We are single. This is our manifesto.
You can do better.
We’ve been burned by Big Dating. Our hearts are app’d out. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge et al are making billions of dollars a quarter (!!) by prioritizing revenue generation over genuine connection, creativity, and empathy.
AI algorithms perpetuate bias without making matches, you know, good. We’re plagued by “enshittification” where the user experience deteriorates by having microtransactions shoved into every engagement. The true purpose of these apps, facilitating meaningful, intimate connections, has been subordinated to KPIs, OKRs, CLV, and CPA over actual human needs.
MOVING ON—A New Manifesto for Dating in New York City
1. What are you doing here?
1.1 Something lured you here. Skate videos. The scene. Hackers. The Devil Wears Prada. Ghostbusters. KIDS. Girls. Paris is Burning. 13 Going on 30. The 9/11 Commission Report.
1.2 Something’s kept you here, in NYC. The bullshit at that agency you worked at. That movie shoot you walked by. That movie shoot you worked on. Slices on paper plates. Bodega cats. Community gardens. The Mets. Nutcrackers all day long at Rockaway beach. Spring. Fall. Spring again. Jaywalking. Coming back after being away. Having options. Unlimited options.
1.3 We dug in. We found each other. We figured it out together. We didn’t always see each other, sometimes spotted each other, definitely stare now and then. We’ve been together the entire time. At the corner bar with the most promise for a hookup. New York looks good on us.
2. We’ve Met
2.1 We’ve partied. We’ve tripped over each other. We’ve melted down. We’re exposed. We watch over each other. We talk shit. We stop to help. We’ve fallen in love. Or we could.
2.2 What really matters to us? The right food. The right joke. The right time. The right timing. The right people.
2.3 You are a certain type and you’re more thoughtful than most. As luck would have it, you’re in New York, with a lot of other special New Yorkers.
3. Who invited him?
3.1 There’s an overbearing, pestery creep. Boring and draining. The bland monoculture. The look is off. The shoes. The watch. The dead eyes. Taking up too much space. Slowing us down. Squeezing in. Hudson Yards Kent Ave uncanny valley. Doesn’t know how to act. Loud. Oblivious. Bad tipper. Doesn’t get the joke. Can’t take a hint. “Well actually...”
3.2 This invasive species stormed in on our precious and unpredictable and beautiful lives, not appreciating us. Doesn’t listen. Doesn’t pick up on how we meet and charm each other. He doesn’t care. Caring doesn’t scale.
3.3 They’re herding all of us onto the platform and raising the fares. Crowding us onto a sad stinking train that’s stalling through rush hour. And where are we even going?
4. No more bullshit apps.
The tech doesn’t work.
We’re done with that.
We’re moving on.
We’re not dying alone.
4.1 Grindr Unlimited. Tinder Platinum. Ready to upgrade? Aren’t you excited? Temu haul for people. Sort by price, low to high. Save for later. Free returns.
4.2 Quiet luxury. Another destination wedding. Fishing trip with the guys. Thirst trap but not so thirsty. Curated rooftops. A LinkedIn resume with calculated angles and perfect lighting. Optimized for engagement. Click here to apply.
4.3 I don’t know these people on these apps and I don’t recognize myself here either.
5. Let’s go out.
We want run-ins. We want dates. We’re gonna make it work. So we made something new. Somewhere you can be normal. Be weird. Be casual. Be silly. Be yourself. Nothing fancy.
See you soon. How about 8? What’s somewhere by you? Another drink somewhere else? Wanna do this again? Let’s walk. I’m going that way too.
Do you have an extra toothbrush?
Which way is the subway?
Let’s do it again sometime.
MINIZINE!
